I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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