I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
