Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
