my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
