More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
love makes seman taste better
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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