Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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