I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Randomize
