i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
how does that bad decision feel?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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