please come you make the beer taste better
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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