i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
