the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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