I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
