You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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