How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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