he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
