turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
