Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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