My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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