Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
