we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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