some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
