Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
