Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
