are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
