This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize