Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize