Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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