hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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