We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
