I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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