oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
