tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
