if you like me you must not know who I am
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
