We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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