I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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