I'm laying in your front yard are you home
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This is my gift to your gina
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
