I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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