Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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