It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
