I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
