youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Success! We fucked roommates!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
