FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
