Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
