I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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