Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
