If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
