So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
