he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize