also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
