She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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