I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
