Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Can you bring me the toilet please
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
