to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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