Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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