I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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