And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
