Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
