walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
