i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
