Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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