96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
