I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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