gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize