Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
