I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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