On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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