dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
